A letter I wrote to my brother about my experiences in the past and my thoughts on the future.

As for my choice to join the military. It used

to be a fantasy of mine all throughout

childhood. Now that I'm older, it's less a

fantasy but more an interest. It offers a lot of

things for me: a chance to explore, to

experience, to learn, to be educated, to

protect, and all while getting paid for it!

I'm really excited about this. I have worked

long and hard to remain qualified to enlist in.

Even if I'm over the weight and have to

return back home on Monday, they'll still

make me go in, just six months later. I've

waited too long for this already. Although if I

had gone in back in May, I wouldn't have been

ready.

God has prepared me for these last months.

Actually, he's been doing a great work in my

life since I've graduated, or at least that I've

noticed. He's done far more than that, but in

the last two years I've needed help getting

over struggles. In the past I was addicted to

some things of the sexual nature because of

Billy (in the past).

That changed my innocence and caused me

to unconsciously start craving it. Then a

young man in the church, Jason, we did

some of the nasties. I believe that if I had

have been innocent, I wouldn't have

bothered with things of that nature. God

helped me get out of that as well and I was

able to stand my ground against that

pressure.

He eventually left the church. Jason, at the

time, was four years older than me and we

were "hanging out" when I was around ten

or eleven years old. Then in college I met

Adam. He is definitely a Christian but a man,

at that time a young man, who fell prey to

his...instincts? My reasons were deeper than

that.

*That* happened and over time the guilt of

hiding our relationship, and performing the

deed grew on me until I had to tell my

parents. That turned out to be really messy.

We still did *it* after the messy situation

between parents, his and mine, because it

was hard to break away from it. I started

going a little crazy.

I began to not care who it was. I never did it

with anyone else, but I was in a lot of

torment. I still can't figure out completely

why. I just started craving the *nasties* as it

were. I began crying out to God for help in

my heart. Actually, I'd been doing that for

awhile. Finally, I had the strength to break up

with him.

He agreed that it was for the best, but we

couldn't stay away from each other for long.

When he moved away to WSU (Washington

State University), that was the end of the

relationship but not friendship. After awhile of

attending WSU though, he felt it best we

didn't speak again because we easily got

tempted and it hurt too much. That broke

me...utterly and completely.

By this time I was stuck on bad Internet

websites. For the past year I had been. I

couldn't keep myself away because of the

craving for the *nasty* and my loneliness

without Adam. I was also eating sugar to

death, hence the reason I went up to 193 lbs!

It was sometime last year when I went to

youth pastor Dave for help. Pastor Jed (he's

prior to Ken and Cathy) had mentioned

about we Christians being pillars in the

church, and I wanted to be one. I told pastor

Dave that I wanted to help in leadership, and

he said that I would have to succumb to

weekly meetings with him.

I figured it wouldn't hurt. I didn't care if it was

male/female that I spoke with about my

problems...although I hadn't been so sure I

could tell him. When I realized that he'd

stories like mine thousands of times from

troubled and hurting youth, I was able to tell

him. It's amazing! It got me out of the

addiction! I don't know how, but God

delivered me by using Dave!

God taught me that Dave wasn't perfect

either, and that I couldn't keep focusing on

the past anymore. So when Dave started

accusing me of being flippant with him and

not speaking truthfully at one of our

sessions (he had literally asked how I was

doing, and I had shrugged because I felt

fine). Anyway, he was really sore with me

that day, and stated that if I didn't really want

to come to any more sessions, that I didn't

have to.

I hadn't even thought of skipping out on the

sessions, only to changing the day from

Sunday. Regardless, that was it for me. I

think that was early this year maybe. Pastors

Ken and Cathy were very new at this point

and mayhaps permanent pastors, I'm not

sure. They came in originally as temps.

As I had leadership in the youth group, other

things starting irritating me. Pastor Dave's

judgementalism, Danielle's annoying pushy

and controlling habits, Kelli's frustrating

method of conversing, the youth all being so

much younger than I...It was a huge amount

for me to handle because I'd never been part

of youth before such as this.

At one time I had to make a decision that

many people in our church, and in any

church, would and have condemned. We had

a gay youth member and I had made myself

responsible for driving him from and to the

youth group. When I discovered that he no

interest in changing from his carnal self and

that he denied believing in Christianity...

I told him that I could have no more part in

taking the responsibility of getting him to the

youth group. He'd tried the God thing, and it

"didn't feel right." At that point, we'd done

everything we could've. We'd planted the

seeds and still hope that someday he'll open

up his heart to God. He said that it was okay,

we all had our different beliefs.

Then what was he doing at our church? If he

doesn't want to believe, then he shouldn't be

there. It's that simple. Paul the apostle made

it quite clear on this matter. Not that we

should excommunicate him or anything, but

the church is for people who want to have an

intimate relationship with Christ, to help each

other live righteous lives, and to make sure

we're simply living examples of what God

wants us to be.

Youth pastor Dave and Danielle thought that

it was wrong of me to do such a thing and

wanted an apology. I refused to give it. I

stated that I would let God judge me. I spent

a week crying and frustrating over it, not

sure if what I had done was actually right.

After all, it does appear like a cold thing. The

church actually telling its goers to leave. I

think the church is often too soft on sin! My

gay friend Randy had been going to the

youth for TWO years! We'd already told him

everything we could.

Randy was influencing the group spiritually, I

could tell. It was like trying to convince us

that we should be more *tolerant* of others'

beliefs. Well that's fine, but in church we

believe that Jesus is the son of God, he died

for our sins so that we can have eternal life

with him, and we try, with the aid of the Holy

Spirit, to live a righteous and appealing life to

the Lord. If he says that it's sin to be gay,

then it's a bloody sin! Randy chose that life

over God. He can have it, but he can't

choose to live in sin and live as a false

Christian too.

I'm hoping that he'll discover what it's like

without Christians like us who love him, as

opposed to the world who doesn't. Anyway,

I've made it clear to him that he can come

back anytime, although I hope it's for

reasons of wanting to find his relationship

with God and make it better. I don't know.

Christianity can be such a complicated thing

when it comes to people. Either way, he's a

friend to all of us.

I had to talk with Jeanne, Margie (both of

these ladies are older), my folks, and pastor

Cathy to see if I was right in my decision.

These "pillars" in the church all agreed to

what I had done. I hadn't overstepped my

boundaries with pastor Dave either because

I didn't say that Randy couldn't come, only

that he shouldn't and that I wouldn't take him

anymore. I had every right to say those

things being that I was right.

Sorry I took so long in explaining these

things. As you can probably see, I've gone

through quite some interesting experiences.

As of late, however, is when I've grown most

in the Lord. Starting with talking to pastor

Dave and then standing up to pastor Dave

with the Randy situation, and so much more.

I just have to wonder why it has to be me

who stands up and points out the

stronghold, the issues that must be dealt

with in the church?

The situation with the current Bill has me in a

complete whirlwind. People may start

accusing me of being a troublemaker,

although I know Ken and Cathy has sided

with me on all of the situations so far. I'm just

concerned for a lot of things.

So back to these last four to five months I've

changed dramatically, just as I have been in

the past two years. God has done wonderful

things in my life, teaching me to stand up for

what I perceive is truth, stand my own

ground, to be closer with Him...it's just been

amazing. The only problem is why does it

have to be painful?! Ah well, so be it.

As I've said, four months ago, I wouldn't

have been ready for the military. I may not

even be ready now! I do believe that I am,

however, because before I was filled with so

many questions and fears, and now I simply

have faith to go through what path I've

chosen.

It's interesting that this Bill situation occurred right before I've left. Things seem to have come around full circle. I don't know what to make of it, but I know God has it in his plans. By GOD I swear these people better not SCREW UP again! I want these people to grow in the Lord, to change others' hearts by the way they live their lives! Is that seriously too much to ask for? [lol]

So I am going, brother, into the military. I am going because regardless of what Obama does, people in the military are going to need me.. If I get sent over to a different country, may God's light shine through me as an aura portrayed. I love people and as pastor Cathy has said, God has set me apart. I can see the truth whereas others cannot. I act upon these truths according to what God intends, hopefully, if I'm doing things right. God promised me that he's going to make my armor thick so that I can see all attacks that come at me.

One day I went up to a friend and after a time, she began to pray for me out loud. Then she started speaking in "tongues" and chuckled as God brought something to her mind. There was no way that this lovely lady, Judy, could've known that I'd been falsely accused an abundance of times, or that I had been struggling whether I could hear God's "voice" or not.. The words that came from her were definitely God because Judy said, "My daughter, you already know my voice and there are so many other voices around you. So many have falsely accused you but we have a relationship that is unlike any other. You *are* following me obediently as I have guided. In the Army you will become strong (this part is still obscure in my memory). Your armor will become so thick that you will be able to see the attacks against you as they come." Judy followed up on this after the prayer and smiled at me with tears in her eyes. She said that she was taken aback by the truth God had revealed to her. She said that I have a relationship with God that just isn't as real to others' as I have it with him, and as it real as God made it to her. There was no mistaking her expression and I was utterly shocked. I told her that she has a beautiful gift and she responded by saying that she wished she had a relationship as intimate as mine with God. Honestly, I think we're both the same. Cathy too. In Judy's eyes you can see how much she loves praising the Lord with her instrument...I see the aura, so to speak. Cathy is the same. We're the same. I feel that the three of us, along with a few others in the church (including my folks) are pillars who truly love the Lord and have a steadfast relationship with Him.

Oh my goodness I can chatter! There has many so many things as of late! God has made me into a warrior nonetheless, but for the Army of Christ. I know that sounds juvenile, but I assure you it's very real and very serious to me. Any Christian has become a warrior of sorts for Christ, but some have to sacrifice a lot to become one of them knights, right? ;p

I really do not think highly of myself. In fact, I don't like being "set apart" as it were because there are so many trials to bear; not only from life issues that everyone goes through, but through persecution of people in the church, outside of the church, condemnation, judgementalism...and I find myself standing alone in a crowd wanting to point out an issue that needs to be dealt with, when everyone else just looks away, act defeated, or claim I'm being "intolerant." That's the liberal way of things and I won't have it! Yes! The Bible is offensive to those who live in sin as it should be! But it also embodies the promise of grace from our omnipotent Lord!

I am fortunate to have been raised by such Christian parents and to now have pastors who truly care and look out for me. Ironically, my time at this church has now expired. Interesting. Also, the founders of the church, pastor Ron and Wanda Whitney, visited last Sunday! That's just before I leave! I told them about a month ago, when we were in Ocean Shores at their Gospel Music Fest, that they had better come visit before I leave. When I talked with Wanda, she has this peculiar look on her face when I was talking about leaving for the military and its' interesting relation to her being here, and that I had requested she come. I'm not sure that they had actually remembered my "demand" for them to come, but an interesting coincidence, nonetheless. Pastor Ken had also thought of calling for them to come, but pastor Ron called first, therefore pastor Ken knew it to be from God. Heh heh, I think I was part of that ;p Mwahahahaha!

Be assured, my brother, that whatever happens, I am under God's covering and protection. Of this, I have no doubt. If you, then believe in me that I know what I'm talking about. I know this is a lot to ask for, but trust me. Even should I die due to some pathetic reason, I have not one shred of doubt that God will have a use for it. Should my death be torturous well, let's just say I'm going to have a big talk with Him upstairs. [lol] I'm joking. Seriously, I love you.

Where I have failed
Surely I have also succeeded

Graduation Day

If I had not failed this one test called Fusion, I wouldn't have been sent to a class a month behind us. I would be graduating today instead of 19 AUG 09. I have been crying over this. I don't want to graduate with any other class. All my friends are here. I wanted to go through FTX and STX with my comrades but no, I cannot. I finally started dating this man, B. Johnson. I've dated two men while here, the other being J. Somerville, an AFC. It hurt a whole lot when he left, and it hurts now watching Johnson pack up his things. Life can be so cruel. Neither of them are dedicated Christians either. I pray that someday they will be. They are good men. I want to cry more. I cannot, I have PT.

My Father's Tears

I remember the day when
I last saw your face
Eyes tinged red and moist
You swallowed hard
And forced a smile
To remain your pain unvoiced

You said you cried
When I was out of sight
Tears rolled down your face
Agonizing over
My leaving your side
When would you again
Hold me in your embrace

I tear at the thought
Of hurting you
Leaving you behind while thinking
That may have been
My last memory of her
For only God knows,
When she'll be returning

Examining My Changes

So many things have happened. I've changed so much, I'm not sure my home nor my church would accept me. I've discovered my wings and have begun to fly, but that has resulted in many eye-openers. I haven't known how to respond to them and reached out desperately for help by listening to my home church podcasts, but I only had one. I listened to it over and over until I was sick of it.

God guided me through Basic, he gave me a helping hand. I wouldn't have made it if it were not for God nor my friends and family back at home. They are true friends. I've become stronger, learning to stand for myself, not as much shit in the past. But I've also become a different person. I love God as much as I did then, but I no longer follow as strictly to the Bible's guidelines as before. The Bible is the word of God, and wise in its' teachings. The Holy Spirit is very real, I will never forget that. But unless I have my Christian friends around me, I will not have anyone to hold me strong.

This is very hard for me. Have much more to say, and it will take much courage to say it. Hopefully no one reads my posts any more except me.

"Jesus, why does your name on my lips taste so foreign? So long I've missed the comfort of your presence. The depth of love I have for you, I cannot deny. Have I your protection still or have I cast away my safety?

I seek your hand in the hole I am, your face in my darkest of times. Save me from myself. Save me from the snares in the darkness which caress my cheek and prowl on my soul. Lord God, help me, guide me, and be my strength. I have picked up your sword and armor, now help me carry them into battle."

Four Months Later...

I have been here around four months now. I could live here, but I can't say I enjoy TRADOC. TRADOC is when you're in military student status. Particular restrictions apply that don't normally apply in the operational (non-TRADOC) Army. Here, Sergeants are supposed to appear mean I suppose. It's all about perception anyways.

My next duty station is Ft. Bragg, NC which is home of the Airborne Infantry and Green Berets. I will be running a whole lot there, God help me. I was hoping to increase my PT scores while here at AIT but stupidly when on "shin splints" profile and then a week later after getting off of profile, I sprained and fractured my right ankle. This has depressed me. I feel discouraged as those around me continue to improve and I become considerably less.

In classes here we have Block 1.1 1.2 1.3 "DIN" and Block 2. An auto-wash test is a test that sends you back to the class closest to the area you failed in on your first failure. There are only about two of these. One in 1.1 and one in 1.3. I was supposed to be in Block 2 right now but I failed an auto-wash test in 1.3, and unfortunately was sent a month back. I have had to retake tests in my class up to this point which has been stressful because I wasn't sure I'd pass them again - but I did. :) This Thursday I take the test I failed last time. I'm really scared. I should've been able to pass it the first time but I'd panicked, as my teacher described, and he saw it coming all along. [shrug]

I have nothing to worry about really. The five others (out of our class of thirteen) who failed with me have failed around five tests. If a student fails six tests, they're recommended for re-class, which is a change of MOS (Military Occupational Specialty). The education here is good but fast and difficult. Either you'll get it or you won't. I have failed two tests now. I failed the 1.2 test because of something so simple, but it answered about six questions on the test...mayhaps more, but I am unsure as it was a while ago. Anyway, I also went from night shift to day shift, and switched from 3rd PLT to 2nd PLT. Now THAT was a HARD transition.

God has been taking care of me here. Unfortunately I have not been to church regularly at all. The things I've done here make me wonder how good of a "Christian" I really am. I so desperately need the love and support from my church as close as before. But I cannot. I must tread this path with God on my own, for now.

I have become a Chapel Student Leader (CSL) or "white-rope." Here, it's an AirForce thing, so I can't wear the white rope on my uniform. Ah well. I like doing shifts at The Crossroads. I'm part of their group on Facebook, check it out. I've met a lot of neat people since I started volunteering my time there.

I've also become pretty intimate with my friend B.J. Our friendship is a strange one, but not one I dislike. I'm satisfied with where we're at. We camped out this weekend, which was awesome. Sitting on the cement blocks on the lake reminded me of home and I even got weepy.

I also got a care package from my church. This also made me very weepy.

Ah another week's about to roll in. The three, almost four day weekend was a blast but I have to concentrate on NOT failing this test again. It's on Thursday, and I need all the prayer I can get, should God be merciful enough. He's much more merciful than he should be, but that's what makes him so wonderful, in part.

Love you all! Got to go :D

P.S. Also to note, all I can think about is dancing. As soon as I get time at my next duty station, I am going to dance my heart out with ballet, hip hop, tap, ballroom, salsa...whatever rhythm I can get my body to dance to! It's my escape, my heart, my self. :D