My Detailed Testimony (yay it's on here now!)

Okay here it is: raw and definitely a draft. But regardless, I'm not going through this entire thing because I'm lazy and making ou read through it in depth. :P Pick and choose what you want to focus on reading because the beginning stuff isn't as important as the later stuffz. Have fun! Oh, and make sure to grab something to drink and eat because it's going to be a long sit should you choose to read the entire way through in one sitting.
*Estarr*

Hmmm, where to start? The majority of younger life was school, so I'll start there. My mother schooled me when I was around three to five. My father took over around that time and continued the homeschooling until I was in 10th grade, age 14 year 2003. 10th grade was my only experience in high school, if you don't count 8th grade when I made the attempt to transition over public school and failed. It was totally epic but for a good reason: I didn't want to do that dumbarse project for History Day that all 8th graders in public school are required to do and compete with. :D School... But fortunately I succeeded in public school as a 10th grader. I only went because I wanted to prepare myself for classroom experience before transitioning over to the college in 11th grade, age 16 year 2005. In 2007 I earned an AAS (Associates in Arts and Science) degree from Olympic College and a High School Diploma from Klahowya Secondary School simultaneously. I had a total of 101 Dalmatians....errr, credits ;p This achievement was possible because I went through a program called Running Start which Washington state encourages. I am not a big fan of "me" events such as graduation ceremonies so I only went to the college one, much to the delight of my family and two aunts from England. [Sigh] Here's an overview of school years if you're that interested, although it's more for my memory than anything.

2003 / 9th grade / age 14 / last yr of homeschool begun
Sept 2004 / 10th grade / age 15 klahowya school begun
Sept 2005 / 11th grade / age 16 1st yr college begun
Sept 2006 / 12th grade / age 17 2nd yr college begun
July 2007 / --- / age 18 AAS/HS diploma attained

I grew up trying to be as tomboyish as possible. I developed a sort of anger at "males" because I wanted them to be challenged by me. I wanted to feel important and needed. I also felt like I should be the shield and the support for everyone around me, a protector basically, and that I deserved none; like it was my plight in life or something. Immature, yes? Well I knew that, but I was also feeling sorry for myself and just didn't care. I figured it would pass the time, I suppose. A lot of my memories seem to be fading before I realize it.

I began my life out in the boonies in Washington state. Strange, I don't know where that word came from but I seem to use it a lot. ^_^ It accurately describes my location which is the local store, pizzeria, restaurant, church (Christian Worship Center), real estate office, and some other office around the corner. Apparently it could've become the major city instead of Seattle but the docks here burnt down or something and a new one got built in Seattle instead. Anyway, that's where my life began, or at least as far as I can remember.

These were my first seven years, and they were very lonely. Neighborhood parents were unjustified in their associations with me and their children encouraged to be disrespectful to me. It was really pathetic. The only thing I can't blame them for reacting to would be my ADHD personality. I've "grown out" of it and it's simply a part of my imperfect human personality now but when I was younger, it certainly has been a huge hurdle. I also have to focus on communicating effectively, but to my child that was spazzing out because I couldn't explain what I wanted. My parents took me to their work, our church known as CWC, and my paternal grandma's (Vi) house. It sucked. I was so bored. [lol] My parents built themselves up from ground level zero, and thus had to take me with them wherever they went. It would've been worse having a babysitter, in my opinion. I got to spend a lot of time with my folks and many kids don't get that these days.

My parents got sick of dealing with our neighbors who were nasty with me, and moved up about four miles from where we lived. The neighbors there were...interesting. We had some issues to iron out at first but over time, excommunication prevailed and we could finally live in relative peace. My parents rented out our first house for awhile but then eventually sold it, making a good profit as land values had gone up. I was about seven years old at this time and I began dancing at Irene's School of Dance in 1997 when I was the greater part of seven years old. Yeah it was thirty to sixty min/week for ballet, but it was a start. I went from that to their dance company DAT (Dance Arts Theatre). I danced at Irene's for about seven years.

The sucky part about Irene's is that it had a lot of cliques, backstage mothers, disrespectful students in class and to peers, and whatnot. I got a lot of the worst of it, so my view of the school was not a good one. I loved Irene however, and admired and respected her. I still do. I kind of got fat there because I found that I was addicted to sweets and even stole some of it being so desperate for it. Rest assured I've popped money in the money box now and then like a donation in order to make up for it in the best way I can. Can't do that for the bigger stores because I can't remember which stores I stole from and what the amount was equal to what I took.

Also at age seven, I was molested by an eighty year old man known as Billy, a relative of one of the women going to our church at that time. I wasn't bothered by it then amd in fact, I thought I did something bad and was afraid I was going to be sent to my room! What a relief I felt when I found out this wasn't so! My mum however, was so devastated that she had to relieve some hurt and anger. My dad was simply burning with rage. I didn't realize at the time, but it had really messed with my psychologically.

Fast forward to age ten. I found that I had a serious hunger to receive the Holy Spirit because I saw what it did to people during Tell the World 2000, some kind of event at Fairgrounds that took place in 2000 and had a new evangalist/preacher every night for a week. I never realized I already had it. ^_^ One of those nights a man randomly came up to my mother and I, claiming that he had received a prophecy that I was destined to do ministry. He gave me an idea of what it was but there are many ways that I can perform that duty and so I have confusion concerning that topic. I still wonder if what he said was true, but only time will tell. It sure made mom and mysef excited to hear a word like that.

Age eleven I met Jason, four years older me at age fifteen. I was interested in him because to me he was a "young man" and one of the few that I'd actually see consistently. He introduced me to sexual intimacy while in church. I knew my folks wouldn't like it if they were to find out (I did tell them later) but it felt good. That's all I knew. This was also the time that I accidentally found porn as well. I was very new to these concepts of sexuality and didn't fully grasp yet just how awful the situation was. Still, I was stuck on porn and I was stuck with feeling good with Jason. It was also at this time I transitioned from Sunday school which I hated to adult bible study, which I loved. I think I've always had a huge desire to learn and not just be told stories. The bible study helped me with that. I was ALWAYS asking questions and still do to this day, and not as much as I truly want to because I'm afraid to bother people.

Somewhere near age twelve I experimented with sexual intimacy with my friend Hannah...accidentally. I didn't really want to but somehow it got started anyway and then curiosity got the best of me. 7th grade I became friends and then best friends with Aimee. I love her to bits as she, Alexis (I'll explain her later), and David (also to be explained) have both been the longest lasting friends I've ever had from my youth.

8th grade, age thirteen I began dating David. I thought it would be daring for me to bare my chest at him over a webcam and embarrassingly he caught it. I had thought his eyes were shut. At some point I went a little far with him too, but it was all me. I was beginning to seriously struggle within myself what was right and wrong, but if I had been given the chance I probably would have willingly lost my virginity with him.


I think I was fourteen when I stopped dating David and messing around with Jason in church. I guess I suddenly wanted my life where God wanted it. I felt guilty. Some people might call it a conscience, I now realize that it was the Spirit of God calling me back. Actually what happened was I got the flu so bad, I thought I was going to die; so I told my parents everything. [lol] Thank you God! Haha. I think that's what got me on track so for the first time I saw Jason for what he really was and how unclean I had become. However, the struggle didn't end there...

I think it was around the age of fourteen I started my second ballet school which was called MK Ballet School. It was in Bremerton but now it's north of Seattle, I believe. I did love that instructor, who's name is Michiko, but I will always say that she was like a whip, both in weight and in words. In her dance class, you were there to become a professional ballerina, or you weren't there at all. I believe she made every dancer who ever learned under her instruction cry at least once, including some parents. As soon as we left the studio or were basically done with dance, she became another person. It was awesome, although I didn't think much of it at the time. In fact, I was stressed out by it and left when I was sixteen. I was having a hard time dealing with my dramatically emotional mother and keep trying to think positive too. It was just too much.

I think I met my third best friend Beth at around fourteen. My first best friend was Marie and I had felt like she abandoned me when she went to public school and wasn't able to hang out with me as much anymore. I was about eight years old when I met her. Anyway, we just went different ways and public school is demanding. Aging has matured my thinking on that matter for sure. But when I was younger, I had no one else so I was pretty upset. Aimee was like, my second best friend. I didn't get to see Alexis since she had to move into town and to another church, so the title "best friend" couldn't be applied to her but I'd trust her with any secret I have.

Anyway, Beth and I became really good friends but I think she felt I was too judgmental with her. This was a time of spiritual growth for me and I guess she kind of imagined I was some do-gooder which we all know is definitely not true considering my "issues." When she stopped talking with me and then moved to another state, it took me years to get over it. I felt like I was ripped apart. Now I don't mind, as she is a really a cool person and we were both quite young and quite juvenile. My friend Annie also was part of our "friendship circle." Alexis too, but she was really shy and quiet. She really isn't quiet though, she's wonderfully robust when I do get to see her, which really isn't often enough. Now Annie found me to be "judgmental" too. It'll take up way too much of my typing energy to go into detail with that, and regardless I wouldn't want to share that kind of information anyway. I love and miss them all.

Um let's see, age fifteen I met Darren at Klahowya. I truly liked him but because I had sworn I wouldn't date anyone who didn't hold a personal relationship with God and believe in the Christian essential doctrinal beliefs. He did try but I think he blamed God for his mother's death early in his youth. Anyway, when we went to the science museum in Seattle with Jobie's chemistry's class, it was the first time he ignored me completely. It was horrible of him, and my heart was torn again. It took at least a year to recover from that. I'm serious. Really. It was dreadful. Oh hey, I still have his tiger t-shirt. ;) Anyway, thankfully I resisted even kissing him because I knew it'd be a bad idea for me to be unequally yoked and kissing definitely would be a sign of dating. I think he joined the Army in 2008. I hope he doesn't die...his head was so high up in the clouds...

Turning sixteen was awesome because Aimee's mom Regina hosted my Sweet Sixteen. It was so much fun. The luau we had for Aimee's birthday was awesome too, but I can't remember when that was. Man, she and I have had some good times! I also went to Bremerton Dance Center and joined their dance company for a time, but it didn't last very long as my Achilles tendinitis just hurt like hell. I performed in a Choreography Showcase and their Nutcracker...I think that was it. Aimee and I got to dance together, and I truly enjoyed that even though I had felt jealous whenever the other girls divided her attention from me. Heh, I was afraid of losing another friend, I guess.

Now, turning sixteen also meant that at the beginning of the next school year, I would be going to college!!! I was really excited to leave the annoying, immature students, and that irritating bell that symbolized domination over me. I didn't know what to think of college because dad always talked about me having learned college level stuff when I was younger, so I thought nothing of it. I just was happy for the freedom to be where I wanted, when I wanted, and go to class without that darn bell. It was then I met Adam.

I truly enjoyed college and excelled at it, but kind of started slacking off a bit in the latter two quarters or so. This was how I met Adam, who was also a freshman running start student like myself. The character building process that I was about to go through was one of the biggest growing pains of my life, or so I remember it. We began as best friends starting the third day of English 101 in the Fall quarter 2005. We were both gungho for God, had a Husky dog, ponds, two decks, and more. Even more amusing was when we traded essays that third day of English and had written practically the same things concerning God, our families, property, and whatnot. We then began dating on 14Feb2006. [insert Jaws sound effect here] Yeah, we got caught up in the Valentine's day rush.

At first it didn't work out because it was too weird for me. I had spent so much time trying to avoid guys after Darren, including despising and challenging them, that being a girlfriend to a boy/man meant I was placing myself below him. So I broke it off with him and over summer the poor boy suffered. We did talk though. When I saw him Fall 2006, beginning of our second year of college, I suddenly desired to be close to him. We started our relationship trying to have God as the center but suddenly things got weirdly twisted. We both lost ourselves in sexual intimacy :( Regretfully I must say that neither of us are virgins due to that. I can't really regret all of it though because I don't ever want to forget the good times we had as friends; but we certainly had our share of bad choices that separated us from God and family.


I remember feeling guilty that I didn't feel guilty about having pre-marital sex. My whole life I felt the Spirit nudging me away from bad situations but this time I completely shut it off, or at least thought I did. I was so very confused. I remember getting bad headaches and feeling sick all the time (acid reflux). I was very stressed and was crying out to the Lord, desperate for peace and an answer. But all I knew was that I wanted sex, and I started to not care if I was raped or if I got it from someone else. I was in a very dangerous and vulnerable place. I didn't realize, but all the hatred that I'd had for "boys" was because I was angry at being abused without realizing it. I was hateful because I felt abandoned by the friends I'd try to encourage to God-like. I was sorry for myself, as I mentioned earlier, because of the mistreatment I suffered in my first home of memory, being beaten with rocks and sticks and harassed. I was sorry for myself because of the unkindness directed at me while at Irene's.

We were hiding our relationship from his parents but my parents knew. I started finding out that we were wrong to hide our relationship and it was really hurting me. I also experienced a scare that made me think I might've been pregnant. I wasn't, thank God, but I told mom in the process because I was feeling very guilty and definitely feeling the absence of the Holy Spirit in my life. Mom told dad and dad made her call his parents. A meeting of the parents. Not fun. Not at all. I think this must've happened around January 2007, but I'm not positive. Adam and I were to stop talking with each other and he had to go to another campus that meant being further away from me. However, since he was president of SkillsUSA (a vocational club for helping students prepare for work outside of school) and I was secretary, and his dad was and still is adviser of it at Bremerton High School, it was inevitable we would be able to communicate still. After a couple months they calmed down on the restriction but made sure that he knew he would not get to go to WSU (Washington State University) unless he restrained from dating. That was the reason why we were hiding our relationship in the first place. I was put in a very awkward place because it wasn't fair on me that he couldn't say to his parents that he loved me, but I didn't want him to lose his future.

I will add that SkillsUSA was awesome because it gave me the opportunity to help build care packages and over 2,000 Valentine's cards for the troops. I felt so very proud being a part of that. I still have the award for it which is tucked away in my portfolio. I competed at regionals and state for extemporary speaking and promotional bulletin board. I got bronze medals for both at regionals but nothing at state. I was pretty disappointed at that but then again, I'm probably better at prepared speaking than extemporary. I thought our promo board was awesome, but I guess they didn't. :( Oh well. Others competed for culinary arts, welding, and more. There were so many options to choose from. I also was secretary so I helped keep things running smoothly, recording all of our meetings for attendance, times, discussions brought up, etc. SkillsUSA was a good experience that Adam and I had together.

On the subject of Adam, I think we did have sex again because once started, it's very hard thing to break. My memory gets kind of fuzzy here. I believe this was after the "meeting of the parents." I got caught up in porn again to deal with the pain of loneliness and just found myself with another problem. My stress only got worse and I started developing a sort of split personality. I called her Black Starr. Yeah, really. No joke. There was me who wanted God, and then there was her, a sex-hungry hateful wretch. She's a representation of a sinful part of me that I never again want to resurface. I knew it was bad for Adam and I to stay together so I broke it off after we graduated June 2007. Besides, I didn't want to be his secret baggage to be carried over with him while at WSU. I also wanted to heal up my relationship with God again. We couldn't stop being intimate so that was it for me. I remember exactly where I finally broke up with him too. Sometimes I go there to reminisce quietly. To think of what could've been. Now I did have plans to go to WSU because Adam had insisted it's a good school to go to, and then I was excited, but I was so frightened of my parents spending all that money o me for a career that'd I'd decide not to do. I'd heard too much of that so I decided to wait. Two years later...[lol]

We stayed friends during my first job with (CCS) Catholic Community Services which I had started March 2007. I think we started getting too close again and so poor Adam was probably suffering so much he couldn't handle it anymore. I mean, he kept thinking he was seeing me every time he saw a redhead at WSU, and I also kept thinking I saw him everywhere in his bright yellow jacket. For the record, I just had my hair dyed red, it's actually a very dark blonde to light brown. It really sucked, I cannot lie. So he said that he felt we shouldn't talk anymore because he felt God had put it on his heart. My heart stopped...and then shredded into millions of pieces. I remembered all the times it had torn and scarred over with Marie, Beth, Annie, Darren...I was in shock and sort of lost my mind...I won't get into that... When I originally broke up with him I felt a peace about doing that because we couldn't keep our intimate passions under control very well. It was a constant temptation on both of our minds all the time. But when I felt the connection to my best friend collapse, snapped. But I didn't disagree with him because I knew he was right and I hoped that at some point we could maintain a mutual friendship after time, but he got really ticked at me for trying so I kind of gave up on that. I'm still trying to heal over once again losing a best friend. [sigh] Life goes on and lesson well learned.

Anyway, I started getting seriously addicted to porn and even yaoi again. Black Starr tried rising up there and again and I was feeling sorry for myself. I was feeling alone. Annie and I weren't getting along well and I really wanted someone to hear me. I started Teletech November 2007 and kept my CCS job on the weekends. Then I started going to Youth Alive. Actually I can't remember what year it was when I started going. It was either 2007 or 2008 but I think it was the latter. I had avoided it during college because of certain things but because I had lost my life, which was Adam at the time, I struggled to find something else to occupy my time. Then a life changing incident happened...

I had a car accident around August 2007. I was coming from CCS training to a client's house to work and I was worried about my gas being on empty. My car had refused to start for about thirty minutes and I was spazzing out. Anyway, it was about 5p in the day when the Navy Shipyard traffic is the worst and this driver decides to attempt a cross over four heavily trafficked lanes. She t-boned me and I found myself heaving all night. It was horrible. The accident was not my fault, but not noticing my car had a problem with it and not getting her insurance number was the stupidest thing I ever did. My parents have never let me forget it. Life became another hell as I fell into more self-pity. I knew that God was using that circumstance for something, but I didn't know what and that stressed me out. Then the character and renewal of my relationship with God began, or at least that's how I see it.

Dad suggested a Watchman Nee book and in my extreme boredom without a car, I did. As I read it, and I could feel my spirit stirring at the Spirit of God. Those words that I read impacted me so strongly that I felt a jumped to the next level, if there was a "level" per say. I started growing from that point and getting closer with God, but I still suffered with temptations of yaoi and porn. I got really depressed when Annie left to live where Beth had moved to a long time ago. Late 2007 I did get myself a new car, so yay! Nissan ftw! I think It's a '06. I originally had a Honda Accord '93.

Then one day at church, our pastor said something about the need for strong pillars in our church. I thought, I'd been at this church for how long and I'm sulking in the corner of the youth group building? I had to stand up and be an example again since I'd pulled myself closer to the mouth of the Black Starr hole after reading Watchman Nee's book. I also offered to help our soundboard guy Marshall because he wanted to go on vacation with his wife and I wanted to help...and something to do. Anyway, I marched up to our youth group pastor Dave and said that I was ready to try my hand at helping out in the youth group like a leader does. I also expressed my need for counseling, and he's a counselor. I was still fighting with my sins and was feeling Black Starr like acid up my throat. I was desperate to learn, learn, and learn. About myself, how to be an example, how to help encourage young people like myself restrain from the same things I'd been and still was in. I'd felt like I was unable to help Beth and Annie, so maybe Dave could help me do it better...and to figure myself out. Well, he accepted.

February 23, 2009 I had to quit my job at Teletech. It was a great experience because it taught me so much, but I had to move on. Plus, I was laid off so I had to go on unemployment. I had started working at DDD (Department of Developmental Disabilities) back in Sept 2008 but it wasn't enough for my car debt, insurance, and whatnot.

I worked with Dave for awhile and finally, with much satisfaction I could release my burdens of all that I have spoken of in my life-story. I was able to stop the porn and yaoi addiction, and whatnot. I got closer with God as I pursued more ways to become more knowledgeable about this God I called my friend. I found Toby Logsdon and his ministry. I would listen on my Zune, message after message after message, gaining excitement for the Lord at each passing moment. I began to start realizing and forming my own beliefs which contradicted some people's in my church, specifically, a couple of the leaders. It got a bit awkward, and especially so when my friend Marshall, of whom I had been training for soundboard under, suddenly died. When I found out, I was in the midst of studying for the ASVAB for military entrance for the coming Saturday (I was seriously considerng the military). I snapped...again. Marshall had died April 1, 2009 Wednesday.

I did recover but not before I had some problems with a leader of my church, accusing me of certain things and disregarding the fact that my good friend Marshall had just died and claimed that he was sure God wanted him to say those things to me right then and there. I spent that whole day praying with God, talking with my folks, and jogging down the road with my good ol' friend Toby Logsdon. That night I felt much peace and was able to smile happily at the person who had accused me earlier. Although I was still wondering if what he had said was right.

Interestingly enough, but not surprising, God used that circumstance to help me evaluate myself. That entire week while I was debating whether the person who accused me was right about me or not, I found some of myself. I also found that I have wonderful counselors around me that aren't afraid to be blunt with me, but show love instead of judgment and condemnation. Plus I was used to psychological talks like this leader was using because my dad was a psychologist. After a time, it seemed to be a means to no end.

April 27, 2009 my parents headed off to England to visit our relatives over there while I stayed at home. Again, another huge life-changing time period. The first week God used my ballet class to get to know my new friends Dylan, Karysa, and Lauren. I also joined up with Mary Kay which is based off of a Christian standpoint. I was suprised to find myself being more feminine and wanting to be such. It kind of started at Teletech when I wanted to appear more presentable. I had facial consultation and then at 4:30a I signed up for the business! I couldn't believe myself but I'm really excited about it. I also met with Pastor Cathy (she's the wife of Pastor Ken) due to the urging of my spiritual granmama Jeanne. I had been going to her and Margie who were encouraging me during those tough weeks concerning Marshall, the leader who gave me a hard time, and even my questioning on enlisting in the military. Pastor Cathy gave me such important words of wisdom, it carried me into the next week. She encouraged me to wait before going to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) because she wanted to hook me up with her good friend Captain Betsy and didn't want me to jump into the military before my parents got home.

Now the second week was just as important as the first. I got to know Dylan and everybody even better and I met with Pastor Cathy again, on the day my parents returned which was May 10, 2009. I told her that I turned my recruiter, Sergeant Jones, down for the RSVP he had on the job I wanted. I felt like I had to wait until my parents got back. We then continued on talking about the military and all the reasons why I wanted to join. She then told me to take this list, sit down with my dad, and talk about with him. So I did. He finally released me, recognizing that this was a choice I had to make and that this was my life we were talking about. And if God wants it this way, he said, then do God's will. That was all I needed.

Luckily, I got to RSVP the job I wanted originally wanted with an even higher bonus.With all the prayers of my wonderful counselors around me, I went off to Sea-Tac for the Clarion hotel May 20, 2009 to stay the night. I then left for MEPS the next day. There was a problem and I had to go again May 27, 2009. Some believed that it was a sign of God's displeasure, but I didn't. Things like my situation happen a lot and my desire to join was just as strong as before. God put that desire in me, so I was going to follow it. The only problem was I couldn't RSVP the 35W as I had already done it twice. By stroke of luck, or grace of God, I was given a job that had more than I expected, and still a bonus attached! I even got to elect for Airborne training, although people think it's a death wish, I don't care. It's an adventure. So May 28, 2009 was the day of my enlistment. I couldn't believe it, I actually had done it and a new chapter of my life is about to begin.

I have so much more to learn about God and his wonderful ways, but I am so blessed because of his grace, mercy, and love. He is the friend that I've had before I even existed, the friend that will never turn me away, hate me, despise me, abandon me, lie to me, gossip about me, laugh at me. He is the God who cares for me and wants me to want him back. Well guess what? I do!!! This is my testimony.