Just boring old PT (Physical Training) today as usual. Today was interesting though because we've begun our martial arts combat training (MAC). We also got to go to the PX, under unnerving close supervision, and I bought all the necessary items I needed and got out. I didn't have the money to buy the eye pros (eye protection glass) which have been missing since that last day at reception. The eye pros are $60!
I find it intriguing that this has become my reality now. Tonight when I called my folks, I was unfamiliar to their voices...it was odd. Anyway, it was relieving to get into contact with them, nonetheless.
I think I'm over my head cold now so my mind and memory are much better now. I also have many bunkmates who give me the benefit of the doubt about the whole thieving thing. Anyway, those who I consider friends continue to watch me, prodding me to hurry or fixing my uniform when put my name on the wrong side. [yawn] Going to sleep now....

Today was much easier! My back has begun to get used to standing for hours, and believe me it hurt. I was so excited because we got our Army Combat Uniforms (ACUs) today! Humorously, the lights whent out in the building we were in, so we remained in the dark for two hours, give or take. We also got our combat boots. Sure they hurt from breaking them in and all but they're awesome! I'm so going to wear them for winter!

The Army provided us a card with money on it to buy whatever we need from the Army store...and believe me, it's NOTHING like the NEX. The money on the card was part of our yearly uniform allowance or something. I'm not sure. Either way, I was able to buy sneakers appropriate for my style of feet, according to this amazing foot scanner. I didn't know we had such technology. It told me my arch, all the different sizes of shoe brands I would fit, what size my foot is, and that I needed “stability.” Whatever. Quite frankly, I feel unbalanced in the shoes. As an personal note I'd like to remember, I found out that the woman (she can't be older than 24) acting as team guide, is a specialist (E-4). I think Sergeant Knight must favor her...it's kind of gross actually.

I've had panicky thoughts in my head about whether I can handle this or not. It was utterly confusing them first couple of days. I think I'm starting to grasp it now but we're shipping to Boot on Saturday. Technically speaking, “shipping” us is really just driving us up the road to where Boot will take place. Anyway, it's a very shocking change to adapt to and it sure is hard, but I'm still alive...I think. ;P

We learn to stand in formation for a long time, an hour even. I tried really hard to be disciplined and not fidget around.Tomorrow we get to wear our ACU's! WOOOOOOT! I know I'll probably get sick of them, but I don't care.
[begins to fall asleep] Ah...still have another... … .. [snore]

Yep, everything is still so surreal to me. It's like I'm observing through another's eyes. I can't believe I'm here! Surviving yesterday on 3 hours of sleep was amazing, especially when the day was so freaking long! Now that I've gotten some sleep, it's better except for this headache. Reception is absolutely nothing I thought it was. It consists of standing for hours and processing lots of paper work, bloodwork, etc.

...And still flying...

We've been in the air a couple of hours now with only 2 hrs to go. I guess it's a four hour flight to an airport in Atlanta, Georgia, and then there will be a bus ride from there to Fort Jackson. I'm enjoying classical music and loving every moment...aaaaaah ^_^

I've really enjoyed speaking with the older gentlemen next to me. To my left, Mike, and Kevin in a pink shirt to my right. Mike is an ER medical something or other and really likes his job. Apparently Kevin does finance for Boeing, which is ironic considering I was questioning out loud about how the plane works and he was there to answer them.

OMG! The clouds are so fluffy! I feel as giddy as a girl! They're so bright they hurt my eyes though.

Flying!...

So here I am on the Delta plane, waiting for it to take off for Fort Jackson, South Carolina. I'm quite excited for the trip and am anxious to arrive. The plan trip should take around six hours, apparently. Woot! It looks like we're about to take off! Awesome! Last time I flew was around 200...I think. Just as I was about to board, I saw the outside of the plane, suddenly realizing that it would flying in the air without any land directly beneath. I guess thinking with an adult mind, is different than with a child because when I was a child, I didn't think about it. Or maybe it's just me? Anyway, I placed my hand on the plane and prayed it would keep me safe.

Now is not the time for such useless thoughts. The fear I am storing away in this notepad. I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking about it anyway. I loved flying in the past and had no fear! Oh dear...it's moving so fast! It's shaking too much to write much more...and...there go the lights.... Oh dear..... ;_;

The Change

Okay, this is it folks! Last transmision! I'm officially on Army payroll as of this morning! I might check everything on the internet tonight before I go to bed at 2000 (8pm) before my freedom completely goes out the window tomorrow and my connection to everyone I know personally is severed temporarily. I leave tomorrow at 0600 at Sea-Tac airport, which I'm right across from in a hotel, currently. I go to South Carolina and when I arrive, I take a three hour bus ride to Fort Jackson. At least I'll get to be with my "twin." :D God bless all and stay safe! Prayers to all of you!
*Estarr*

Clarion Hotel

My heart just broke to see the look on my folks' faces when I decided to enlist in the Army, to hear my mum's voice over the phone this morning, and to see my dad's face as he drove away in my ex-car. It's really painful but I have to think on other things. God has totally orchestrated all of this and I feel so comforted and reassured because of it.

I met a girl named Emily Anne on our way to MEPS. She drove in the carpool with one other because we were all coming from the S-dale recruiters office. The fact that her middle name is similar to my own is hilarious enough. She's a PK (preacher's kid) and he's a Messianic Jew! He used to be a Rabbi, as I understand it. My dad and I share a fascination for the Jewish people; after all, they're in the Bible! :D

Now Emily and I have the same haircut and hair color. Her personality is quite a bit different from mine and you could almost think that she's an agnostic Christian but I truly believe she's saved. Her knowledge of our faith and doctrine, I believe, is truly there. Not to mention her belief in Jesus as the son of God. We joked a lot tonight about Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses and this other guy, Mike, totally was on the same page. He's Catholic but despises the ceremonial crap and whatnot, but still cares for his church as he grew up in it. He's very knowledgeable and whatnot, so I could totally marry him. [ROFL!] Just kidding. He also cracked jokes about Catholics because, like all denominations, they have their...bad...qualities.

I'm just fascinated by how oddball this all is. I'm even talking to Emily's mother as if she were my own. Emily posted our picture on her Facebook website and called it "I found my long-lost twin!" When I sent a message to her mother, I named the title, "Hiya! Long lost twin here! Did you forget me? :P" She said that she and Emily's grandmother just prayed over the phone for both of us girls (Emily talked to her mum rather quick about me) and just knew in her spirit to do so. Isn't God amazing?!

Anyway, everything's going to be alright. Everything. I just know it. By the way, there's a scale in the lounge bathroom and it says I'm 167.4 and it's later on in the day. Mwahahahaha! I can doooo it! I just pray that Emily can as well. Almost like it being the buddy system or something since we've gotten along so quickly!

Anyway, we're in the Clarion hotel across from an airport and hope to be shipped off tomorrow but it's possible that it may be Tuesday. If that's the case, I'll be able to update by blog because they have computers available in the lounge where all the military "transitioners" are awaiting their souls to be sold into slavery. :P

God Bless all!

It's time

Originally I had thought I was leaving on the 19th of October but really, I have to leave church early on a Sunday, that's today, at around 11:30. How ironic is that? It makes me sad that I'm so limited in spending the last few moments with friends and family, especially because mum had to leave at 10:00 yesterday and will continue to be working throughout the weekend until Monday or Tuesday...I keep forgetting. So she won't be with us and as dad drops me off today.

I hate to admit it but I'm slightly relieved mum won't be with dad and I because she'd start crying in front of everyone in the recruiters office and I'm not sure how'd I like that. It might make me start sobbing and that would just cause a mess. It's really hard to leave my folks and crying just makes it more difficult. Dad even admitted to tearing up on his way to work one day! It's wonderful to have parents who love me that much.

I've worked really hard up to this point, believing that I've followed the path God has guided me on. If he decides to change it and I end up not going to boot camp, I'll take it from him that he's got more in store. I've already been through some amazing changes in the last few months, I can sense the growth and I like it. If I had gone for boot camp back in late May, I'm not sure I would've been ready because of all these new things that have settled and understanding that's taken place in my heart.

I'm leaving with no confusion about whether someone says who he says he is, trying to convince me I'm not listening to God by joining the military, and I'm leaving with the knowledge that my church loves and me and is praying for me. What an amazing feeling! With what I've heard and can assume the military's going to be like for me, I need all the help I can get!

Now that I feel like I've gotten some closure with the situation that's occurred at church, I can leave with peace in my heart. ^_^ Praise the Lord for all that he's done! Oh, and for the record, I am around 168 lbs now! Woohooo! I'm good to go!

PS

My favorite quote from Numbers 6:24-26, and one that dad has spoke to me since I was a baby.

"The Lord be with you, and keep you. The Lord shine his face upon you, and be gracious to you. The Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace"

Farewell thee well, all!

The Letter

Much to my amazement, my second letter gave peace to J.P. I was quite shocked that I was able to write so clearly in order that J.P see my viewpoint. Many of us have this false, liberal notion that making "peace" is the only way and that being "angry" or "judging" is sinful. I'll explain this.

When a man is in prison for a sin he's committed, and then claims an in-prison conversion to Christianity, does the prison thus let him go? Absolutely not. His sentence must be carried out lest he be in the presence of many innocents, not to mention the temptation to repeat his former crime, or worse. Time has the ability to fix things, wounds, hurts, pain, relationships, fury, desire to commit one sin or another, etc. Time and nothing to do causes one to think for a long time, as that is all there is to do.

So is the prison wrong in keeping this man behind bars when he's appeared to have a change of heart? I'm positive that we'd all agree a serial killer wouldn't have that chance and that we'd all want him to serve his time regardless of his heart. The courtroom has issued its decree and that man has to pay the consequences for his actions, regardless of a "sorry" or "I repent." Words play right along with the mask which we all wear, and, withal the heart always remains true.

In the case of this man at my church, the position he holds in conjunction to his sinful acts against me, moreover his sinful acts against the church, has put people of our congregation, youth, and any passerby at risk. He has not committed any illegal acts by no means, or at least the sins to which I'm currently referring. Notwithstanding, acts of sin on the spiritual and moral nature are of the church's concern. The man has admitted to the sin against me, but has not admitted to his more grievous sin, which concerns me enormously. I have proposed that we, the church, do as Paul did in 1Cr5 and 1Cr2 where the man who committed a sin was expelled from the church for a time. By the time of his second letter, Paul sends word that the man now is to be consoled and helped. In time, to be allowed back into the church. The time of these letters took a large allotment of time as there was no postal service in those days. It was all carried by one man across miles and miles of land.
Paul was concerned for the man's eternal soul but he states, "...hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord." 1Cr5:5 (NIV) Isn't that the opposite of what we tend to think today? The wishy-washy way of dealing with sin in our churches has got to stop! How do you think some churches now have "non-practicing gay pastors?"

Others are concerned with the following verses Jesus was recorded to have spoken:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged." Mat7:1 (NIV)
"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Mat7:2 (NIV)
"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke6:37 (NIV)

What is Paul saying?

"But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.
What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?
God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you." 1Cr5:11-13

Paul gets more specific in what Jesus was saying. Also, if you look into the context of that particular time and place, for example in the 6th chapter of Luke, Jesus is talking about how we deal with those who hate us (being Christians) and is not referring to those who we necessarily enjoy the company with. He is telling us how to behave like Christians to the world so they do not see more sin than brokenness unto the Lord. Isn't it obvious that we should not only love those who love us, but to love those who despise us? Isn't it clear that we are responsible and accountable for one another inside the church? If you see your brother sin and falling further and further into the darkness of his heart, are you going to abandon him?

Jesus warns us about judging our brothers' as well, being that it's our responsibility to do so.

"He also told them this parable: "Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit?
A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?""

These are powerful words. So Jesus says, judge or you too will be judged. Paul's words, inspired by God, indicate that we are accountable for another inside the church, and God deals with those outside. Let God judge the world with people of the world, and God judge the church with people of the church. Those in the church who judge those outside the church, will be judged in the same manner. People are afraid to judge another, yet don't hesitate to gossip about each other! How irresponsible is this?! Be smart about this. When you recognize a sin in someone's life that you've gone through and triumphed, help your brother! However, if you are likewise going through the same sin and have yet to triumph, don't judge. I don't see anything wrong with helping each other be accountable, however.

"He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.
But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." Luke6:48-49

We should have a better foundation than this. So many people are misinterpreting what the God-breathed Bible has to say! Life isn't as simple as the concepts are, withal people don't recognize the hard work that it takes to live and breath as a Christian is supposed to. Why do so many fail in this? They aren't willing to take the effort to know God intimately! How disappointing! I admit to this as well, being disappointed with myself for not feeling like taking the effort to fully grasp the scriptures, albeit youthfulness is on my side.

Judgement is meant for this man and he must receive the consequences for his actions, as they were serious. This man's actions are a more serious than the average kid who steals candy. All sin is sin so we are all worthy of eternal punishment, but God's grace has set us free and the Holy Spirit convicts us so that we may be capable of bettering our temples, at breaking our outer man. However, this does not mean that all sin must be dealt with equally. I personally wouldn't expel a child from church even if he continued to steal candy after being scolded for it.

To ensure that this man has truly repented for his actions, I strongly believe he must prove this outside the church where he cannot be of influence to those of us inside, as yeast which affects the entire batch of dough. This does not mean we excommunicate him, that we do not speak to him. Quite the contrary, I believe those of us grounded firmly in our understanding of the scriptures should care for him as a lost sheep. Should he prove his repentance over time, which is key as some people have been personally wounded by this man and it takes time to heal, then he should most definitely be received into the church once again.

I hope my point has been driven home. To some it has by my emails which took me hours to work on, this, has not been as well thought out as them. It's also more difficult to make a case when details of the situation are not known. Oh well. ^_^ Regardless, I feel that I have not written more clearly than I have since Sunday when the situation occurred. I feel God's hand in all of this, and I feel his presence through the letters I have been writing. It's really an amazing experience, and wouldn't be so bad if not for the sin I'm concerned with.

A Distasteful Situation

I just finished writing probably the longest and most time consuming letter I've ever written. I think that it was a persuasive report in itself and could have been turned in for an A in English class had it not be concerning Christianity! I was really happy when my dad said that the two letters I sent our family friend J.P were well written.

The situation I wrote of was something that concerned the whole church congregation. The pastors and the board now are aware of the situation and they are dealing with it as I continue my painstakingly long writing tendency. Fortunately I don't have to worry about going to work or school :) This situation is weighing heavily on the pastors' and boards' minds as they had their board meeting yesterday. J.P was very defendant of me, and I believe the first letter I sent to her was the reason. I had also sent her the evidence of the misdeed and proof of the mental instability of the person responsible for it.

I became concerned when J.P brought the subject of forgiveness up. I understand her position was of concern for my capability of forgiving the person responsible for the sin against me and against the church, however, that is the least of my worries. For anyone's information, I can forgive the man, but now is not the time. The conclusion of my second letter to J.P was this:

"I hope that you have read this in all seriousness. I ask you to be less concerned with forgiving this man and rather more focused on the appropriate consequences. Such thoughts of peace and forgiveness at this point invites a weak hand for slapping. I have no trouble in forgiving, and I am not saying that we should not be concerned with it, but forgiveness is premature at this point. There is a time for anger, and there is a time for forgiveness."

I am not satisfied with weak statements such as "forgiveness" and "acceptance" because that sounds exactly like the liberals' arguments. These words are often taken so far out of context that there are churches which are led by so-called gay pastors! If we are not careful in how we deal with sin in our church, compromise can take place and that is the last thing I want to happen to my local church...or any church for that matter.

This blog will not contain detailed information until a later date, if at all. Needless to say, I hope I've made a solid enough point to J.P so she can be my voice appropriately during the board meetings. The insanity of it all is the coincidence of its occurrence in timing to my leaving. I really don't want to leave on a bad note but I suppose God wanted me to be of use even in the last week. Interesting.
*Estarr*

Before the Change II

I was incorrect in stating that I'll be leaving for boot camp (BCT) on the 20th of October. Should everything go well and I pass everything I need to, on that same day I'll be heading out on the 19th. I will be out of contact starting the 18th. Just thought you all should know.

Some people aren't familiar with using Facebook or Blogger and so they won't know how to get a hold of me. Of course, my parents' home telephone will be available for your calls. They will know as much as I can tell them, and anyone's free to ask them, whether at the church or otherwise. Just as long as they know me :P

If or when I give my parents a mailing address, please use it wisely. I don't know if every time I get letters, I have to do push ups or something off the wall. If anyone wants to send any words of encouragement, ask how I'm doing, or otherwise, it might be good if ya'll compiled your letters together and then sent them off so I would get them at the same time. Just ask the next time my mum's sending snail mail to me and you can give your letter to her. My main plan though is to snail mail updates to let ya'll know I'm alive :D Cathy is one contact, my parents is another.

May his countenance shine upon you.

Thank you!

Thank you everyone for your support and following this book of a blog! I always have a lot to say, but many of which that I cannot say. Yesterday at church was overwhelming for me. Pastor K called me up front to pray with me and my dad (I couldn't believe he called my dad up too! Poor dad!) for the journey that I may be going. Pastor prayed that he believed I have followed this path righteously to the best of my ability, believing this is the path God wanted me to take. This has been confirmed by J.S as well. The co-pastor, pastor K's wife pastor C, reassured me that God can take someone down a path and then alter it just as you're about to go all the way. My response for her was the Bible story of Abraham and his son Isaac.

Abraham did as God instructed and presented his son as a living sacrifice, and just as he was about to plunge the dagger into his son's heart, God told him to stop and that there was a perfect animal that could be presented as a sacrifice, stuck in the bushes. It's not that Abraham heard incorrectly of God's wish for him to sacrifice Isaac, God was testing Abraham's faith. In my case, I have followed this path diligently, believing that I should follow what's in my heart. Should God change the path for me, it was always in his planning for a greater purpose than my own. I'm really happy to be a part of that! Also, I should note that if I hadn't taken this militant path, many of the things I've gone through these past months may not have happened. I have grown so much in the Lord in so many things, it simply *astounds* me!

While I was up front, the entire congregation prayed for me, as I mentioned. This isn't uncommon as pastor likes doing that spontaneously. But he had prayed long and hard to God about doing that with me because he knew my personality; he knew that I would not like this at all, that I don't like *that* kind of attention! However, pastor was firm in his belief that this was God's will.

As I was up there, I felt so warm that so many people do care and love me! I have all these cards from them! Two different families sent $40 each and some compiled dollar bills to send with me! I have no idea why! I felt so undeserving of this and fear struck me. "What if I don't make it?" "What if I let them all down!" Fortunately the pastor had announced that there was a *possibility* of me leaving, so he left that open in the air. All of these people sent money to me for my journey! It was such a shock! It made me feel kind of light-headed, actually. The last thing I want is people's money.

I knew that pastor K hadn't just done it for me...it was for everyone else. My pride had tried to get in the way but God had other plans! By these people gathering together, *praying* for someone else other than themselves, they were bound together in unity and harmony. Some of them even had tears and I haven't known them well!
I see how God has used this. I can't imagine what would happen if I suddenly wasn't able to go to boot but God knows :P

Along with this great day came a huge storm in my heart. A confession of love came from a person I least expected. It had a long, detailed letter about himself and his thoughts these past months. Why he feels that God disagrees with my leaving, and so much more. Part of the message he sent was shameful and perverted, so I shall not mention name or otherwise. Rest assured, it has been dealt with properly. I cannot help but sense the irony in my circumstance, however. His name is the same of the man who defiled my innocence and nearly the same age! While he did nothing to me, the words he spoke on paper proved where his spirituality is at. Anyone can have a perverted mind at one point or another, it's what we do with the thoughts that matter. However, he believed that if there was anything he is guilty of, it's hoping I would become a powerful woman of God. What?! Is he freaking blind?!?!?! Okay, so I'm not "powerful," but I certainly can stand my ground. Just ignore the shaking ;p Anyway, it proves that his spirit is not bound to God but to himself, just as I had suspected.

It took me an hour to stop shaking and snotting myself! I think pastor C was totally shocked when I followed her into a private room and immediately began shaking and crying. It's rather amusing, looking back on it. Fortunately I'm a good actress when I want to be as she had no idea I was in an emotional breakdown, previously. I don't remember a time that I've shaken so badly in my entire life! Goes to show how emotional and mental trauma can really damage people, even paralyze. She and I spoke for a long time and I cannot tell you how blessed I was to have her this time around. For the first time in my life, I realize that I'm not alone! When I was a kid, I was unable to defend my honor and people easily accused me of "misunderstanding" or "causing trouble," and so on. Now, all I could think of was running to pastor C with the problem.

My fear was that it would cause more harm than good, that I was "causing trouble." Funny how senseless and foolish accusations from the past can mentally affect someone in the present and future. Really screws up one's way of thinking. I had to work past that, though. This man, what he did, if he was bold enough once to speak the way he did to me on paper, he would do it again. To his credit, the man is not entirely all there in the head, but neither were my past offenders. All of them were twisted. One was in a family of twisted people, the second was kicked out of the military for something of that nature, and the final one...well if I say too much, his name may become known to some and I'm not sure that's for the best. I'm trusting K and C.B will take care of it. My dad, himself, is furious. Enough said.

So I've begun to notice this pattern in my life and the words that associate with this pattern is, "Why me?" I stand when others sit, I speak when others are quiet and I desire for the real thing when others are content with plastic. In other words, I try to encourage certain behaviors by daring to be the first. When I'm bothered by something in our church, I speak up although I struggle much before I do. And finally, I am not content with myself as I am, I want to be more. I don't want to be a plastic Christian, I want to understand as much of God as possible. I'm not longer content with my useless body dragging on the ground in carnal hopes of someone picking me up. I'm ready to rely on the Savior who has already picked me up by his sacrifice on the cross! I want to pray for others, to seek His face, to enjoy His love and compassion, and to experience life as God wants me to!

So back to "Why me." It seems that our family has always had to stand on our own. When our church violated our trust in them, my father stood up and pointed at that pastor who falsely accused me of "causing trouble" and righteously stated, "You, sir, are a *temporary* pastor!" Believe it or not, shortly after the pastor was voted in as a permanent, he was struck speechless and him and his wife were forced to retire! I saw him a while back, and unfortunately he has never apologized to us but I won't hold it against him. Nice words to say but my heart still feels otherwise.

Anyway, my father's discernment is uncanny! Although, it has a lot to do with the person I am today. Now he refused to leave the church and waited to see justice come to the church. Boy, did it ever! I'm not saying that I was the cause of the entire split of the church because of the sore misjudgment of our church members at that time, and that God was cracking down on them, but I think I had something to do with it. I really like that God has truly protected and justified me as he has. Makes me want to cry. Kind of strange that I'm leaving just now...good grief! I had no idea God could work so deeply! No wonder he's omnipotent! Aaaaah! My head hurts! Erm, nevermind.

So for many years, our family has kept our differences to ourselves, our opinions in certain subjects private, and blocked people from visiting us. Maybe we were the rogue family in secret, I don't know. I realized that I couldn't trust any of these people though, because they had violated that. My parents had a better way of looking at it though. Come to think of it, this explains why I was moping around and in my own little world when youth group started. I was about fifteen or sixteen then. I didn't like or trust anybody. Thank God, he helped me turn around.

God has really blessed this church by eliminating the weeds, which I hate to call people but they really were troublemakers. He's also brought people in and has greatly used all of the pastors to cause a mighty change in the people. It's quite beautiful, actually. I feel like I'm witnessing history. My parents have now been able to branch out and make friends. It's amazing! I've also found the people that I can trust, and I expect there's more where that came from! :D

The "Why me" came from the feeling of being alone. Even as of the late two years, I didn't want to be weak. I wanted to be strong. When I saw a weed, I struggled with whether what I was feeling was wrong, as others accused me of. Oh dear, I'm beginning to cry. It wasn't. I did the right thing. Now I've noticed another problem, and that's going to be taken care of. Pastor C told me that I have a gift for seeing the truth and that I should trust those feelings more, but she also understands that I'm young and am unfamiliar with these "scents" as it were.

If you walked into a room with the smells of roses, but didn't recognize that immediately because of your unfamiliarity to roses, how would you understand what you're smelling? When you've come and gone through the same room many times, you start to get curious and sniff around time find the origin of the scent, if possible. You finally pinpoint the origin and every time you see roses, you remember that scent. Every time you smell the scent of roses, you remember the origin.

It is the same with me. The older and more experienced I become, the more I am able to recognize the truth for what it is without doubt. In fact, it's the same as what God told me through J.S, "I will make your armor thick so that you can see the attack as it comes." It sounds like the painful part is the "thickening" process. Pastor C stated that it sets me apart. Now I've always liked being different and contradictory, although I haven't had much control of that. It kind of just...happens. But even as a young person, I remember Satan attacking me left and right with demons in nightmares, reality, and in using people. I guess he must really want me tormented. But why me? I've already faced a lot in being ADHD and struggling with communication. T.C's mum remembered to when I was a child and I started freaking out because I wanted something, but not because I couldn't get it. Rather, it was because I couldn't explain what it was I wanted. I have to face those issues, so now I have to instigate standing while everyone is sitting, content in their plasticity?

Yup, I guess so. [shrugs] Well no matter, as long as I'm pleasing to the Lord. It's just good to see the people who've truly committed their lives to God. It's so beautiful. J.S and pastor K and C are examples of this. There are, of course, others in the church as well, who are beautiful in their walk with God. It really just shines on their faces. I want to make sure I keep that aura around me as well. I want nothing else.

*Estarr*