Where I have failed
Surely I have also succeeded

Graduation Day

If I had not failed this one test called Fusion, I wouldn't have been sent to a class a month behind us. I would be graduating today instead of 19 AUG 09. I have been crying over this. I don't want to graduate with any other class. All my friends are here. I wanted to go through FTX and STX with my comrades but no, I cannot. I finally started dating this man, B. Johnson. I've dated two men while here, the other being J. Somerville, an AFC. It hurt a whole lot when he left, and it hurts now watching Johnson pack up his things. Life can be so cruel. Neither of them are dedicated Christians either. I pray that someday they will be. They are good men. I want to cry more. I cannot, I have PT.

My Father's Tears

I remember the day when
I last saw your face
Eyes tinged red and moist
You swallowed hard
And forced a smile
To remain your pain unvoiced

You said you cried
When I was out of sight
Tears rolled down your face
Agonizing over
My leaving your side
When would you again
Hold me in your embrace

I tear at the thought
Of hurting you
Leaving you behind while thinking
That may have been
My last memory of her
For only God knows,
When she'll be returning

Examining My Changes

So many things have happened. I've changed so much, I'm not sure my home nor my church would accept me. I've discovered my wings and have begun to fly, but that has resulted in many eye-openers. I haven't known how to respond to them and reached out desperately for help by listening to my home church podcasts, but I only had one. I listened to it over and over until I was sick of it.

God guided me through Basic, he gave me a helping hand. I wouldn't have made it if it were not for God nor my friends and family back at home. They are true friends. I've become stronger, learning to stand for myself, not as much shit in the past. But I've also become a different person. I love God as much as I did then, but I no longer follow as strictly to the Bible's guidelines as before. The Bible is the word of God, and wise in its' teachings. The Holy Spirit is very real, I will never forget that. But unless I have my Christian friends around me, I will not have anyone to hold me strong.

This is very hard for me. Have much more to say, and it will take much courage to say it. Hopefully no one reads my posts any more except me.

"Jesus, why does your name on my lips taste so foreign? So long I've missed the comfort of your presence. The depth of love I have for you, I cannot deny. Have I your protection still or have I cast away my safety?

I seek your hand in the hole I am, your face in my darkest of times. Save me from myself. Save me from the snares in the darkness which caress my cheek and prowl on my soul. Lord God, help me, guide me, and be my strength. I have picked up your sword and armor, now help me carry them into battle."

Four Months Later...

I have been here around four months now. I could live here, but I can't say I enjoy TRADOC. TRADOC is when you're in military student status. Particular restrictions apply that don't normally apply in the operational (non-TRADOC) Army. Here, Sergeants are supposed to appear mean I suppose. It's all about perception anyways.

My next duty station is Ft. Bragg, NC which is home of the Airborne Infantry and Green Berets. I will be running a whole lot there, God help me. I was hoping to increase my PT scores while here at AIT but stupidly when on "shin splints" profile and then a week later after getting off of profile, I sprained and fractured my right ankle. This has depressed me. I feel discouraged as those around me continue to improve and I become considerably less.

In classes here we have Block 1.1 1.2 1.3 "DIN" and Block 2. An auto-wash test is a test that sends you back to the class closest to the area you failed in on your first failure. There are only about two of these. One in 1.1 and one in 1.3. I was supposed to be in Block 2 right now but I failed an auto-wash test in 1.3, and unfortunately was sent a month back. I have had to retake tests in my class up to this point which has been stressful because I wasn't sure I'd pass them again - but I did. :) This Thursday I take the test I failed last time. I'm really scared. I should've been able to pass it the first time but I'd panicked, as my teacher described, and he saw it coming all along. [shrug]

I have nothing to worry about really. The five others (out of our class of thirteen) who failed with me have failed around five tests. If a student fails six tests, they're recommended for re-class, which is a change of MOS (Military Occupational Specialty). The education here is good but fast and difficult. Either you'll get it or you won't. I have failed two tests now. I failed the 1.2 test because of something so simple, but it answered about six questions on the test...mayhaps more, but I am unsure as it was a while ago. Anyway, I also went from night shift to day shift, and switched from 3rd PLT to 2nd PLT. Now THAT was a HARD transition.

God has been taking care of me here. Unfortunately I have not been to church regularly at all. The things I've done here make me wonder how good of a "Christian" I really am. I so desperately need the love and support from my church as close as before. But I cannot. I must tread this path with God on my own, for now.

I have become a Chapel Student Leader (CSL) or "white-rope." Here, it's an AirForce thing, so I can't wear the white rope on my uniform. Ah well. I like doing shifts at The Crossroads. I'm part of their group on Facebook, check it out. I've met a lot of neat people since I started volunteering my time there.

I've also become pretty intimate with my friend B.J. Our friendship is a strange one, but not one I dislike. I'm satisfied with where we're at. We camped out this weekend, which was awesome. Sitting on the cement blocks on the lake reminded me of home and I even got weepy.

I also got a care package from my church. This also made me very weepy.

Ah another week's about to roll in. The three, almost four day weekend was a blast but I have to concentrate on NOT failing this test again. It's on Thursday, and I need all the prayer I can get, should God be merciful enough. He's much more merciful than he should be, but that's what makes him so wonderful, in part.

Love you all! Got to go :D

P.S. Also to note, all I can think about is dancing. As soon as I get time at my next duty station, I am going to dance my heart out with ballet, hip hop, tap, ballroom, salsa...whatever rhythm I can get my body to dance to! It's my escape, my heart, my self. :D

Laptop Testimony

Another interesting tidbit. When I was going through security at the airport in Seattle, the staff placed my laptop in another customer's laptop bag. I stared at this particular Toshiba laptop that hadn't been claimed for about a minute, and I suddenly became concerned with the lack of seeing my laptop. Hours later I get a call from mum saying that a man has called her, some Director of Young Life in some location, claiming he has my laptop and I have his. O_O PRAISE GOD! I have been in contact with the man a few times now and we both feel it was God who crossed our paths. He feels that I'm a link into the military and so he prays. Additionally, I personally need the extra prayer. God can take care of things without us, but he made it so that prayer works. I am so thankful to God for that circumstance. I truly am. I need God, more than ever. ^_^

AIT

I thought I would update my blog using the letters I sent to mum, but I discovered that would be pointless. Sufficed to say, Basic sucked because I was constantly irritated with the people around me. A lot of them were immature teenagers, or acted as such. Everyone was also stressed, and that didn't help the situation at all. God brought me through with the help of my battle buddies and I made it. ^_^ Yay. Now it's done, I can move on.

I'm in Texas right now and it's cold. Big surprise there, it is January. So far the year 2010 has been wonderful. I love my training thus far, and hope I can keep up with the material we're learning at quick speeds. I can't study the material in my room, so I have to remember what I can and take the tests. I'd better learn how to process information quickly and learn to prioritize what I need to learn, not necessarily want.

25 weeks of training is going to be a long time. A long time. The students here don't hesitate to remind me of this fact. Regardless I love it here compared to doing nothing at home, wasting my life away. The way I figure it, if I get bored of this place, I can spend my time studying various subject courses on my Army Knowledge base Online or learning a new language on Rosetta Stone. :D Chao!

Important Note

I've tried to update my blog with as many of the letters I could but there are so many. I had planned to do it this week but I came down with the flu. I cannot get them all up there. Sorry! I tried! I have to get up at 1am this morning! :( I am sad to leave you all. But I must go. Again, prayers are needed as always and I hope to be reunited with you all sometime next February when I'm in AIT and should have the ability to use my laptop.

Oh, and ONE MONTH UNTIL I'M TWENTY-ONE! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

34 days until Christmas! Woot! A.H just said that to me. Her watch actually counts down to whatever date you set. I'm envious!

I did my Combat Lifesaver Course today actually. Yesterday we waited all day (R.H and I) to take the tests but bing there's approximately 240 in our company waiting to take the same test...long wait time. So today we finished up the testing. I think I passed all three parts of the test! Woooo!

Today we also had to do our PT tests. Pushups, situps, and running. Have a last one right before Christmas, which is absolutely essential to pass. I missed on my pushups again, at least it wasn't 0 this time, but passed situps and running as usual.

Well hey everyone. I haven't written in awhile mainly because I haven't had much time and because I can't find my stamps. I've always been the person to lose her things but I usually somehow found them. This isn't home though. (for the record, I did find them) In this environment, you drop your pen without realizing it, you ain't gettin' it back.

Once my pen rolled off my chair when I stood up and when I went to sit back down, I noticed it gone. I looked around and lo and behold, my pen had found it's way into the guy's pen pouch who sat behind me. He's actually my squad leader now, at least one of them out of the six, and he's a really cool guy...it's just odd... Anyway, I asked, "Is that my pen?" He nodded and gave it to me, thankfully. Whatever will I do without my pen and paper?! [lol]

So basically I have to be extra cautious. Absolutely. No shortcuts. For a laidback, casual, freegoing personality such a myself, and one who has to struggle with some other things, this is going to be quite difficult. I believe strongly that I am making progress, however, and this is good. I am slowly adapting to this lifestyle.

Are things as rough and nasty as before? No. Currently things are looking up. In fact, at the end of our third week, which is this Saturday, our company's supposed to come out of red phase . For those of you who don't know, Red phase is the first and mose difficult phase of BCT. DS' yell and scream expect you to know what you don't know, etc. You get smoked (that's "punishment") for the small screwup. The DS' are always on your butt.

The next phase is white. DSs are less difficult on you, individuals tend to get smoked as opposed to the entire platoon for one person, you're expected to handle more responsibility as a team, see more of the DS' personalities, etc. And then there's blue phase. I think that's the final two weeks of basic or so. Not sure what that entails, but it must be better than the previous two phases. If we screw up too much though, we can be sent right back into red phase and graduate with dishonor. Heh.

9:43 PM

So far everything's been good today. Quite well, actually. I had a test on Combat Lifesaver Course and I barely passed with a 70%. They teach the material so fast, it's paraphrase the book, now you better understand it. I have issues with that. Anyway, I passed and now I don't have to worry about it.

This Saturday I'll be doing a test on applying field dressing, tourniquets, and so on. Yes, they still use tourniquets, but only as a last resort. I think I'll pass that...the DS' can be really feisty though. Like cats, one day they may love all over you, the next...you don't exist. One day they're normal, the next, they feel like scratching you.

As for encouragement, I've found some powerful verses and inspirationals to keep me going. Time for sleep as I'm about to pass out! Nighty!

I should be getting my first payment from the Army tomorrow! Yaaayaaaah!

Today we were issued our weapons, the M16A2. It's black, big, and one heavy rifle...at least for my weak arms. Well it's not that bad, but having to carry it around all day I get tired. It's really neat to finally start looking the part of soldiers even though it involves sleeping with a huge killing machine at the foot of my bed!

Another cool thing we did today were some puzzling challenges that require teamwork, such as getting over a giant wall and getting safely to the other side without touching the ground or certain objects. I haven't done so many daring things in my life! It's fun though, and I really got to know some of the guys from our platoon. I'm the only female in sixth squad. Goodness, I hurt so badly!

Yesterday we sat in the classroom practically all day and also did our first PT run groups. I think I poped out after 1.25 miles. The running group I'm part of went 1.50 miles, I think. I kept running for as long as I could though, and I feel proud about that. Same with the challenges we had today: I worked my tush off!

Now here's the bad news. Being in a room of now 53 other females is awful. There are maybe four to five troublemakers while everyone else just tries to stay out of it. Unfortunately, I think it must be impossible for me to not somehow be involved due to my extroversion, charisma, disabilities, and even my intimate relationship with God. I have just been continuously attacked. Now there are rumors going around that I'm not only a thief, but that I am bulimic, hit myself, and am a cutter. I'm learning new problems about myself every day, it seems.

The mistrust by many of the cliquey females towards me is understandable due to my forgetfulness. The hitting myself was simply a desperate attempt to keep myself awake in class yesterday, only they took it to a much higher level just because they could. But Bulimia and cutting? Where did THAT come from?! So when our main Drill Sergeant, I, confronted me last night about the shocking news that I have Bulimia last night, I broke down and cried right in front of her. The other problems (hitting myself, cutting, etc) I learned about only today. God has placed certain people around me who help me carry on, remember things, and so on, anyway. I just hope I don't discharged for something so false!

Anyway, she thought that it would be best I go to a mental health evaluation, because she's noticed that I'm a space-case or something. At least she said I appeared like a very cheerful person, but she said she wasn't taking any chances and was doing to cover her butt just in case. Maybe talking to this shrink person will help...I don't know. I'm so stressed out!

Anyway, the first sergeant, a really super cool guy, called me out during PT this morning and asked about the situation. When I told him, he sighed and shook his head, muttering about having to deal with females like this every cycle. He said that if I were in trouble, he'd be doing something about it and not to worry because he doesn't see anything wrong with me at all.

On the bright side, PX (Army store) tomorrow! I can finally get some stamps and send these letters that have been sitting around. Falling asleep....night....