As for my choice to join the military. It used
to be a fantasy of mine all throughout
childhood. Now that I'm older, it's less a
fantasy but more an interest. It offers a lot of
things for me: a chance to explore, to
experience, to learn, to be educated, to
protect, and all while getting paid for it!
I'm really excited about this. I have worked
long and hard to remain qualified to enlist in.
Even if I'm over the weight and have to
return back home on Monday, they'll still
make me go in, just six months later. I've
waited too long for this already. Although if I
had gone in back in May, I wouldn't have been
ready.
God has prepared me for these last months.
Actually, he's been doing a great work in my
life since I've graduated, or at least that I've
noticed. He's done far more than that, but in
the last two years I've needed help getting
over struggles. In the past I was addicted to
some things of the sexual nature because of
Billy (in the past).
That changed my innocence and caused me
to unconsciously start craving it. Then a
young man in the church, Jason, we did
some of the nasties. I believe that if I had
have been innocent, I wouldn't have
bothered with things of that nature. God
helped me get out of that as well and I was
able to stand my ground against that
pressure.
He eventually left the church. Jason, at the
time, was four years older than me and we
were "hanging out" when I was around ten
or eleven years old. Then in college I met
Adam. He is definitely a Christian but a man,
at that time a young man, who fell prey to
his...instincts? My reasons were deeper than
that.
*That* happened and over time the guilt of
hiding our relationship, and performing the
deed grew on me until I had to tell my
parents. That turned out to be really messy.
We still did *it* after the messy situation
between parents, his and mine, because it
was hard to break away from it. I started
going a little crazy.
I began to not care who it was. I never did it
with anyone else, but I was in a lot of
torment. I still can't figure out completely
why. I just started craving the *nasties* as it
were. I began crying out to God for help in
my heart. Actually, I'd been doing that for
awhile. Finally, I had the strength to break up
with him.
He agreed that it was for the best, but we
couldn't stay away from each other for long.
When he moved away to WSU (Washington
State University), that was the end of the
relationship but not friendship. After awhile of
attending WSU though, he felt it best we
didn't speak again because we easily got
tempted and it hurt too much. That broke
me...utterly and completely.
By this time I was stuck on bad Internet
websites. For the past year I had been. I
couldn't keep myself away because of the
craving for the *nasty* and my loneliness
without Adam. I was also eating sugar to
death, hence the reason I went up to 193 lbs!
It was sometime last year when I went to
youth pastor Dave for help. Pastor Jed (he's
prior to Ken and Cathy) had mentioned
about we Christians being pillars in the
church, and I wanted to be one. I told pastor
Dave that I wanted to help in leadership, and
he said that I would have to succumb to
weekly meetings with him.
I figured it wouldn't hurt. I didn't care if it was
male/female that I spoke with about my
problems...although I hadn't been so sure I
could tell him. When I realized that he'd
stories like mine thousands of times from
troubled and hurting youth, I was able to tell
him. It's amazing! It got me out of the
addiction! I don't know how, but God
delivered me by using Dave!
God taught me that Dave wasn't perfect
either, and that I couldn't keep focusing on
the past anymore. So when Dave started
accusing me of being flippant with him and
not speaking truthfully at one of our
sessions (he had literally asked how I was
doing, and I had shrugged because I felt
fine). Anyway, he was really sore with me
that day, and stated that if I didn't really want
to come to any more sessions, that I didn't
have to.
I hadn't even thought of skipping out on the
sessions, only to changing the day from
Sunday. Regardless, that was it for me. I
think that was early this year maybe. Pastors
Ken and Cathy were very new at this point
and mayhaps permanent pastors, I'm not
sure. They came in originally as temps.
As I had leadership in the youth group, other
things starting irritating me. Pastor Dave's
judgementalism, Danielle's annoying pushy
and controlling habits, Kelli's frustrating
method of conversing, the youth all being so
much younger than I...It was a huge amount
for me to handle because I'd never been part
of youth before such as this.
At one time I had to make a decision that
many people in our church, and in any
church, would and have condemned. We had
a gay youth member and I had made myself
responsible for driving him from and to the
youth group. When I discovered that he no
interest in changing from his carnal self and
that he denied believing in Christianity...
I told him that I could have no more part in
taking the responsibility of getting him to the
youth group. He'd tried the God thing, and it
"didn't feel right." At that point, we'd done
everything we could've. We'd planted the
seeds and still hope that someday he'll open
up his heart to God. He said that it was okay,
we all had our different beliefs.
Then what was he doing at our church? If he
doesn't want to believe, then he shouldn't be
there. It's that simple. Paul the apostle made
it quite clear on this matter. Not that we
should excommunicate him or anything, but
the church is for people who want to have an
intimate relationship with Christ, to help each
other live righteous lives, and to make sure
we're simply living examples of what God
wants us to be.
Youth pastor Dave and Danielle thought that
it was wrong of me to do such a thing and
wanted an apology. I refused to give it. I
stated that I would let God judge me. I spent
a week crying and frustrating over it, not
sure if what I had done was actually right.
After all, it does appear like a cold thing. The
church actually telling its goers to leave. I
think the church is often too soft on sin! My
gay friend Randy had been going to the
youth for TWO years! We'd already told him
everything we could.
Randy was influencing the group spiritually, I
could tell. It was like trying to convince us
that we should be more *tolerant* of others'
beliefs. Well that's fine, but in church we
believe that Jesus is the son of God, he died
for our sins so that we can have eternal life
with him, and we try, with the aid of the Holy
Spirit, to live a righteous and appealing life to
the Lord. If he says that it's sin to be gay,
then it's a bloody sin! Randy chose that life
over God. He can have it, but he can't
choose to live in sin and live as a false
Christian too.
I'm hoping that he'll discover what it's like
without Christians like us who love him, as
opposed to the world who doesn't. Anyway,
I've made it clear to him that he can come
back anytime, although I hope it's for
reasons of wanting to find his relationship
with God and make it better. I don't know.
Christianity can be such a complicated thing
when it comes to people. Either way, he's a
friend to all of us.
I had to talk with Jeanne, Margie (both of
these ladies are older), my folks, and pastor
Cathy to see if I was right in my decision.
These "pillars" in the church all agreed to
what I had done. I hadn't overstepped my
boundaries with pastor Dave either because
I didn't say that Randy couldn't come, only
that he shouldn't and that I wouldn't take him
anymore. I had every right to say those
things being that I was right.
Sorry I took so long in explaining these
things. As you can probably see, I've gone
through quite some interesting experiences.
As of late, however, is when I've grown most
in the Lord. Starting with talking to pastor
Dave and then standing up to pastor Dave
with the Randy situation, and so much more.
I just have to wonder why it has to be me
who stands up and points out the
stronghold, the issues that must be dealt
with in the church?
The situation with the current Bill has me in a
complete whirlwind. People may start
accusing me of being a troublemaker,
although I know Ken and Cathy has sided
with me on all of the situations so far. I'm just
concerned for a lot of things.
So back to these last four to five months I've
changed dramatically, just as I have been in
the past two years. God has done wonderful
things in my life, teaching me to stand up for
what I perceive is truth, stand my own
ground, to be closer with Him...it's just been
amazing. The only problem is why does it
have to be painful?! Ah well, so be it.
As I've said, four months ago, I wouldn't
have been ready for the military. I may not
even be ready now! I do believe that I am,
however, because before I was filled with so
many questions and fears, and now I simply
have faith to go through what path I've
chosen.
It's interesting that this Bill situation occurred right before I've left. Things seem to have come around full circle. I don't know what to make of it, but I know God has it in his plans. By GOD I swear these people better not SCREW UP again! I want these people to grow in the Lord, to change others' hearts by the way they live their lives! Is that seriously too much to ask for? [lol]
So I am going, brother, into the military. I am going because regardless of what Obama does, people in the military are going to need me.. If I get sent over to a different country, may God's light shine through me as an aura portrayed. I love people and as pastor Cathy has said, God has set me apart. I can see the truth whereas others cannot. I act upon these truths according to what God intends, hopefully, if I'm doing things right. God promised me that he's going to make my armor thick so that I can see all attacks that come at me.
One day I went up to a friend and after a time, she began to pray for me out loud. Then she started speaking in "tongues" and chuckled as God brought something to her mind. There was no way that this lovely lady, Judy, could've known that I'd been falsely accused an abundance of times, or that I had been struggling whether I could hear God's "voice" or not.. The words that came from her were definitely God because Judy said, "My daughter, you already know my voice and there are so many other voices around you. So many have falsely accused you but we have a relationship that is unlike any other. You *are* following me obediently as I have guided. In the Army you will become strong (this part is still obscure in my memory). Your armor will become so thick that you will be able to see the attacks against you as they come." Judy followed up on this after the prayer and smiled at me with tears in her eyes. She said that she was taken aback by the truth God had revealed to her. She said that I have a relationship with God that just isn't as real to others' as I have it with him, and as it real as God made it to her. There was no mistaking her expression and I was utterly shocked. I told her that she has a beautiful gift and she responded by saying that she wished she had a relationship as intimate as mine with God. Honestly, I think we're both the same. Cathy too. In Judy's eyes you can see how much she loves praising the Lord with her instrument...I see the aura, so to speak. Cathy is the same. We're the same. I feel that the three of us, along with a few others in the church (including my folks) are pillars who truly love the Lord and have a steadfast relationship with Him.
Oh my goodness I can chatter! There has many so many things as of late! God has made me into a warrior nonetheless, but for the Army of Christ. I know that sounds juvenile, but I assure you it's very real and very serious to me. Any Christian has become a warrior of sorts for Christ, but some have to sacrifice a lot to become one of them knights, right? ;p
I really do not think highly of myself. In fact, I don't like being "set apart" as it were because there are so many trials to bear; not only from life issues that everyone goes through, but through persecution of people in the church, outside of the church, condemnation, judgementalism...and I find myself standing alone in a crowd wanting to point out an issue that needs to be dealt with, when everyone else just looks away, act defeated, or claim I'm being "intolerant." That's the liberal way of things and I won't have it! Yes! The Bible is offensive to those who live in sin as it should be! But it also embodies the promise of grace from our omnipotent Lord!
I am fortunate to have been raised by such Christian parents and to now have pastors who truly care and look out for me. Ironically, my time at this church has now expired. Interesting. Also, the founders of the church, pastor Ron and Wanda Whitney, visited last Sunday! That's just before I leave! I told them about a month ago, when we were in Ocean Shores at their Gospel Music Fest, that they had better come visit before I leave. When I talked with Wanda, she has this peculiar look on her face when I was talking about leaving for the military and its' interesting relation to her being here, and that I had requested she come. I'm not sure that they had actually remembered my "demand" for them to come, but an interesting coincidence, nonetheless. Pastor Ken had also thought of calling for them to come, but pastor Ron called first, therefore pastor Ken knew it to be from God. Heh heh, I think I was part of that ;p Mwahahahaha!
Be assured, my brother, that whatever happens, I am under God's covering and protection. Of this, I have no doubt. If you, then believe in me that I know what I'm talking about. I know this is a lot to ask for, but trust me. Even should I die due to some pathetic reason, I have not one shred of doubt that God will have a use for it. Should my death be torturous well, let's just say I'm going to have a big talk with Him upstairs. [lol] I'm joking. Seriously, I love you.
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